Marcus & Alex | Online Dating Rituals of the American Male Blog Marcus & Alex | Online Dating Rituals of the American Male Blog

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I almost positive that's just a mud mask from Duane Reade.

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They sip champagne, talk about church, get their toenails painted by strangers—you know, first date basics. Yes, the butt grab.

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Marcus even thinks he and Chloe have a "chance to turn into something real. He and his wife split up after "she turned into a completely different person," which either means things fell apart as 50 percent of marriages do or she was secretly a blood-sucking shapeshifter.

Marcus takes the whole online dating thing pretty seriously after his divorce threw him for a loop.

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Strap in your wireless connection and buckle up, because this season is going to be a hilarious, terrifically cringe-y in the best way ride! But, because the universe is evil and cruel, Michelle is into Marcus.

She brings wine, he makes her dinner, they watch TV and make out. He used to go on dates with his dad when he was little, so it's not surprising that his dating logic consists of incredible one-liners like, "This girl is probably an alcoholic—I like that," "You bounce back from a broken heart by going out and getting laid," and, "I like to eat steak and shrimp, and I like to walk around like a ten-foot pimp.

Or maybe gold-plated nickel. He drops his plans of messaging strangers on the Internet all night to go meet with her immediately. Though Michelle is "reeeeeally pretty" and is also from Houston like Marcus, the girl can talk. On the other side of the city, after Alex gets stood up on a drum circle date Los Angeles!

Maybe because he said women expire when they hit 31? He talks about how he was overweight when he was younger so even though he says things like, "I have a tasty salami in my pants" he actually said that to another humanthe truth is he has a heart of gold.

Alex and Amita also seem to have found a love connection, despite Alex getting handsy again! He's very pleased to find Amita to be hotter off of the Internet, and he's totally floored when she finds out she even likes football.

But maybe too fun for Marcus. More specifically, "Her face is still searching for her chin. Good conversation, good chemistry, common interests, two good-looking people.

Soon Marcus realizes the grass is surprisingly not always greener, so he calls Chloe back up and invites her over. Pro tip to Marcus: Marcus is disappointed to meet her IRL, because, according to Marcus, her profile photos were not truthful.

You get a little bit of a sense—scratch that, a giant sense—that Alex is compensating for his insecurities. Related Online Dating Rituals.

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Alex's next date is with Natalie screen name: Alex splits early 'cause he isn't feeling it, but he still wonders why she won't kiss him at the end of the date. Too much, in fact, and Marcus is not into it. Your browser does not support iframes.